Dear Dan:
I think I need to polish my assertive communication skills. I’ve recently been promoted to supervisor in a government agency, and I have have difficult conversations with people who are my friends, and used to be my coworkers on the same level. Can you give me some communication tips for telling people when they have made a mistake, or when they need to change their behavior? I think I read in a previous communication advice column that you referred to scripting a lot, and use it in your on-site communication training courses, and keynote speakers use scripting a lot too. Can you help?
Thanks!
New Supervisor in New Jersey
Dear New Jersey:
I’d love to help! In my on-site communication training and seminars I frequently refer to what’s called “free-style scripting.” Free-style scripting is the future of communication scripting; it helps you be clear, direct, and powerful, while giving you room to inject your personal style. I’m going to paste an excerpt from my upcoming audio communication program below. I haven’t determined the name of the program yet, but it will be about effective professional communication and customer service skills for global professionals who communicate with American customers. As a communication trainer, it’s one of my favorite tools. Here goes:
How do we get these thoughts from our brains and out of our mouths in a way that others will hear, and be open to, our message? How does scripting help? Can you recall the last time that you needed to have a talk with someone and stand up for your rights and it went very badly? What happened? Chances are you said way too much or way too little. Both parties left this encounter feeling bad. This can be especially challenging for people of diverse cultures and languages because simply formulating the words is a challenge in itself. It’s amazing how simply having a script will help you get the thoughts out of your brain and the words out of your mouth in a constructive, assertive manner, while at the same time honoring the rights of the other person. Furthermore if you have a script, it increases the odds that you will get your rights, needs, and wants met while the other person feels good doing so. Basically scripting, which we will be learning about now, helps make it easy to be assertive without crossing into aggressive territory.
What is free-style scripting? Free-style scripting is not memorizing word for word what you’re going to say. That would be difficult and ineffective. Instead, scripting gives you a frame for the message that you’re sending so that you can deliver the thoughts from your head, and the words out of your mouth, in the most effective way possible.
Let’s look at some situations that require assertiveness skills so that the situation can be handled effectively without unnecessary confrontation, while getting your needs met:
Your boss calls you “dear” in front of other colleagues, or a coworker took credit for work that you had done, or a subordinate is coming in late to meetings or late to work. What do you say? Where do you begin? By nature we tend to forget our communication tools when we need them the most because those are the times that tend to be emotionally charged.
We are able however, even in emotionally charged situations, to remember something simple such as our vowels. We will use vowels for our script frame.
The following is an example of an easy and effective script that could be used in the situations mentioned. Simply remember your vowels, A,E,I,O,U. This is one of my favorite scripts, the A-E-I-O-U script. It will help you be assertive without saying too much. Remember if you say too much you can easily fall into the aggressive territory. If you say too little you will easily fall into the passive territory. Having the AEIOU script helps you stay on track, neither saying too much nor too little and it saves you time and stress. It helps you to quickly verbalize what it is that’s bothering you. It helps you to get the message out of your mouth in such a way that people hear it.
Did you catch that? I said in a way that people hear it.
When was the last time you had to have one of these little talks with people and you felt as though you’ve had the same talk many times before.
Remember: If they don’t hear you the first time, it’s not their fault. It’s your fault. You sending a message and that message being heard are two different things. You are responsible for stating the message in such a way that it is heard. Using a script such as AEIOU helps others hear the message. It helps you send the message with simplicity and clarity. It’s a simple clear message that’s most apt to be heard by the listener. Here’s the script.
You tell the listener…
A – These were your exact actions. The A is for actions.
E – These were the effects of your actions. The E is for effects.
I – I need specifically. The I is for I need. Remember to say what you want, not what you don’t want.
O – Or else.
U – You as in you will– and I’m going to tell you what you will get.
Before we get into the actual wording of the AEIOU script let me give you some examples of lead-in lines for assertive scripting. Here are some examples of bad lead-in lines or Danger Phrases for when you need to have an assertive conversation:
“John, we need to talk.” Oh my goodness! When was the last time somebody said to you, “We need to talk…you’ve just won a brand new car!” That doesn’t happen. When people say “we need to talk” they invariably say something bad or negative next. The moment you say “we need to talk,” the lines of communication will close.
Here’s another Danger phrase: “I’m sorry but….” This is a delete phrase, a purge phrase because ”I’m sorry but…” means: I’m not sorry for what I’m about to say.
Here’s another Danger phrase: “John, your behavior last week was unacceptable.” Why is that a bad lead-in line? Because I’m starting the conversation with something about the other person.
“Mary, I just have a little problem.” Is another Danger phrase. Why would, “Mary, I just have a little problem…” be a Danger phrase? Because I said just, “a little.” I don’t want to take away from any part of this message. If I’m having an assertive conversation, it’s an important one. Just and little take away from that message.
Now let me give you some examples of good, power lead-in lines.
“John, I’m concerned.”
“John, I’m troubled.”
“John, I’m confused.”
“John, I need your help.”
Let me tell you why those are good, and give you some keys when making your own lead-in lines:
Key #1 – Use the person’s first name, as in, “John, I’m concerned.” Always start with the other person’s name.
Key #2 – Use what’s called “I” language. “I” language means the lead-in line is about the you, the speaker, and not the other person. It’s not, “John, I’m concerned because you came in late.” Instead it should be, “John, I’m concerned. (PERIOD)” Because if I said, “John I’m concerned because…” that’s about John. If I say, “John, I’m concerned,” That’s about me.
Key #3 – Use short clear sentences.
Now, here’s how the script sounds in practice. We will use the three examples we previously discussed.
Scenario #1 – The woman whose boss called her dear in front of other clients.
“(Lead-in line) – John, I’m troubled. (A) – Yesterday, you called me dear in front of the XYZ associates during our meeting. (E) – When you call me names such as those, I feel disrespected professionally and personally. (I) – I need you to use the name I prefer to be called which is Crystal, or Miss Dixon. (O) – Or we could risk being seen as unprofessional and therefore incompetent. (U) – However if you can do this, I will be seen as more professional player in the eyes of our customers, which in turn makes you look better for putting me on your team. (Closing line) – John, can I count on you to do this?”
There are some key elements to this that I would like clarify before we continue. You should say one sentence per vowel. If you can’t summarize what’s bothering you in one sentence, you have no business having this little talk until you can. Also there are some Danger words that should be avoided while engaging in this type of communication. These Danger words are qualifiers such as: just, little, sometimes, always, never, occasionally, etc. You’re talking about this one instance only, so make certain that is clear. Additionally, be specific. Don’t say, “You’re talking on your cell phone too much.” That’s not specific. Rather, say, “Yesterday at 2:30 I saw you talking on your cell phone while you were logged in to work.” Finally, watch your tone. Your tone is at least 5 times as important as your words, and your body language is even more important.
Scenario #2 – The coworker took credit for your work.
“(Lead-in line) John, I need your help. (A) – You took credit for the work I did on the Jones project while talking with our boss. (E) – When you did that, I felt betrayed and offended. (I) – I suggest you to tell Mr. Johnson that I was the one who put that proposal together. (O) – Or it may be embarrassing professionally for both of us if I were to talk to Mr. Johnson myself. (U) – If you do talk to Mr. Johnson and clear this up, however, I would be able to put it behind us and move forward in a professional and personal relationship. (Closing line) Is there some way I can help you do this?”
Scenario #3 – The subordinate keeps coming in late.
This time I would like you to identify the lead-in line, the A, E, I, O, U and the closing line. Check it out:
“Jane, I’m troubled. When you came in late to the last two weekly sales meetings, we were all disrupted. You are to be there at the scheduled start time, which by the way is 3 o’clock on Fridays, or I’m going to have to ask you not to come at all. If you can come on time, however, we would all benefit from your great ideas and you could possibly see some of them implemented. Will this be a problem for you?”
Simple. You could have done that yourself with the A,E, I, O, U script.
Now let’s talk about the first few moments leading up to a talk like this. With just one simple script you can see how much easier it is and will be, the next time you need to effectively, professionally, assertively stand up for your rights. Regardless of the relationship you have with someone, when you are about to deliver messages such as the ones we just described, the other person will know its coming and the self talk will increase. The average person has an internal dialog that is racing at the rate of about 800 words per minute. To give you an idea of how fast that is, the average person speaks at the rate of about 150 words per minute. The faster the self-talk the more the lines of communication are closed and the lower the odds that your message will be heard by the self-talker. Is there a way to decrease self talk and open up the lines of communication, thereby increasing the odds that your message will be heard and you’ll get the results that you’re looking for?
Sure, you can futurease it.
Futureasing is all about opening up the lines of communication by letting the person you’re talking with know that this relationship has a future. You’re easing their mind. Many people think they’re doing this when they start these types of conversations by saying things such as, “Mary, I want you to know what a valued employee you are here at XYZ Corporation. Today, however we need to talk about your attendance record.” When people do this they think they’re opening up the lines of communication by putting the other person’s mind at ease. but would that put your mind at ease? Of course not. I’ve heard that type of thing at the beginning of conversations before and you know what happened at the end. That’s right. I was fired! Instead here’s how it sounds when you do it correctly:
“Mary, I want you to know how valuable you are here at XYZ Corporation and I look forward to your future with this company. We need to talk today about your attendance record.”
What’s the difference? What did I reference in the example? That’s right. I referenced the future. Don’t give people more credit for being secure than they deserve. Many people think, “Oh John knows he is not going to get fired. He knows he has a bright future here.” No John doesn’t know that. It happens every day. In fact it’s a trend called outsourcing. It happens every day. When you take a moment to futurease it, this will slow down self talk and open the lines of communication.
OK NEW JERSEY–That should help you with “those little talks.” Make sure to let me know how it goes, OK?
Thanks for writing in, and good luck!
Tags: Ask Dan, Communication Advice, Communication Help, Communication Tips, Difficult People at Work, effective communication, scripting