“If you really loved me, you’d…”
How many times have we thought that or said that, referring to someone else’s behavior? If you’re polishing your communication skills, the phrase, “If you really loved me,” would be what we call in my onsite communication training courses, a DELETE PHRASE. While delivering a funny keynote presentation the other day, part of the presentation was about the following:
“If you really loved me you’d fix the ceiling in the living room that you said you’d fix for the past year. If you really loved me you’d help me with the housework more, because I’ve told you a million times how much I need help. If you really loved me you’d stop working late, and come home to help me with the kids. If you really loved me you’d…basically change who you are.”
That’s what we say, that’s what we think, and that’s what we communicate when we buy into the delusion that someone who we love could change who they are if they just loved us enough.
Isn’t that silly?
Of course it is, but we all do it. Once the honeymoon is over, and we stop overlooking the shortcomings of our loved ones, we begin to change our expectations. We begin to expect others to change their behavior, to suit our immediate needs. But if we’re honest, and come from a place of love and forgiveness, we can recognize what a delusion that really is.
Someone doesn’t fix the ceiling or not fix the ceiling because they either do or do not love us. They fix the ceiling because they are a ceiling fixer, they do the housework because they are domestic, and they come home from work because they are done working. Period. We might fool ourselves into thinking that we do certain things out of love for other people, but we don’t. We do things because it’s who we are, and other people do things because it’s who they are. And we either love the person they are or we don’t.
Now, of course that’s not to say that we don’t do things for others just because we love them…sure we do. Sometimes I sit for hours listening to my mother babble because I love her. But if for some reason I can’t do that today, it’s not because I don’t love her, it could be because I am TIRED! (Perhaps because I was up all night, the previous night, listening to her–, and now I have to sleep—I’m only human!)
Sure, we can make things into a test of others’ love for us, and set them up for failure, or we can recognize others’ shortcomings, forgive them for those shortcomings, and do what we need done by ourselves and for ourselves.
The next time you find yourself thinking something along these lines…stop. Stop the madness and ask yourself, “Do I love this person because of their ability to do the dishes when I deem necessary, or do I love them because of the person they are when they’re not washing dishes?”
Furthermore, when we reflect on our loved one’s shortcomings or idiosyncrasies that aggravate us, we discover that the very things that aggravate us tend to be the flip-sides of what we love about them, or in other words, the price we pay for what we love about them. What I mean is this: I bet if you are aggravated because your partner spends too much time at work, you love how they provide for you and love their work ethic, right? I bet if you are aggravated with your partner’s less-than-perfect housekeeping skills, you love their easy-going nature, right? I bet if you are aggravated with your partner’s stubbornness, you love their strength and determination, right? Their gift is their curse—and so is yours!
Sure, we all know people who have intimidated their partners into working for them, into doing things for them because they are simply afraid of the ramifications of not doing this. That’s not love; that’s intimidation. Do you want to be like those people, or would you like your partner to be happy, and feel unconditional love from you?
Our aggravation with our loved ones tends to be the price we pay for loving them, and them loving us. So when it comes right down to it, we’re the ones being selfish. We are the ones with unreasonable expectations. We are the ones who are being unreasonable. We just don’t want to pay the price that comes along with the benefit of loving and being loved. Really, once again, when you are upset with someone, it’s all about you.
Our relationships, after all, are like mirrors that show us who we are at any given moment in time. They are like mirrors that are put in front of us to show us who WE are, not who the other person is. So when you look at that person, remember that you are just looking into a mirror, and the good news is that you get to decide what is reflected back to you. Would you like to see love? Then give it. Would you like to see understanding? Then give it. Would you like so see patience and forgiveness? Then give it.
I love the line in A Course in Miracles that reads, “It is only what you are not giving that can be missing in any relationship.” How that applies to you, only you know, but if you stop, put your ego aside, and reflect, you will find it to be true as I have. Do you want more love from you partner? Give your partner more love. Do you want more understanding from your friend? Understand your friend more. Do you want forgiveness from your mate? Give your mate forgiveness.
It doesn’t matter what you have done up until now…today, in this moment, you can choose a different path. In this very moment, you can choose. The choice really is yours.
And remember, if others love you they love you, and if they don’t, they don’t, and if you want something, done, do it yourself. Fixing the garage door doesn’t demonstrate love–it demonstrates mechanical ability.
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Tags: Communication Advice, Love, Relationships, Thought for the Day