Dan O'Connor

MILDRED’S REAR VIEW MIRROR–by Who else? Mildred

Article posted on Monday, November, 16th, 2009 at 5:00 pm

WHERE DO THOSE DIFFICULT PEOPLE COME FROM, ANYWAY???

Where do those difficult people in the workplace come from? Ever wonder that? Were they just born mean? Were their parents mean? When they were little, was their mean behavior rewarded? (Because remember, what gets rewarded, gets repeated.) I don’t know, but I have my suspicions. My suspicion is that from a very young age, they were given examples of angry, taunting abusive behavior by somebody close to them–and on a regular basis. I’m not suggesting the example was given deliberately, or with a mean spirit. In fact, the opposite is probably true. The example (given by parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings) may well have been given with no motive whatsoever. It might be just people being who they are. But please note: Children are sponges, and they will absorb what they see around them. Difficult people are made, not born.

Case in point: My guess is that people who mock and call names–people who seem to lack respect for those they perceive to be different from themselves–probably grew up being called names–perhaps even in jest. They might have heard “stupid,” “idiot,” and worse–applied to them and their siblings as though the names had been given at birth. Perhaps the name-calling was accompanied by laughter, or evoked laughter from those who witnessed it. And the result? Little sponge absorbed, and little sponge grew up to be big abusive sponge, without even seeing this as something negative. (How often have we all heard “It’s just the way I am,” as though that justifies negative, ignorant, or even abusive behavior.)

Case in point: People who bully were probably bullied by those they loved and trusted, and were never allowed to vent or express their anger for fear of repercussion. Result? Little victim grows up to be big office bully, because that’s how he/she was trained to be.

I could go on and on, but the main point is, we should all be a little more cognizant of the effect our behavior has on little people. There is no such thing as saying something and then “taking it back” when children hear us. We are teaching at every moment when we are in the presence of children. What we teach may well affect them for a lifetime. We might be training the next office bully, or we might be training the next peacemaker. We might be training the next sarcastic name-caller, or we might be training the next sensitive friend. We might be leaving a legacy of light and growth, or we might be leaving a legacy of darkness and stagnation–without even thinking about it–without even knowing it.

The next time you see a difficult person in the workplace–or at home, or someone whose communication is punctuated with name-calling and sarcasm, look to yourself, critique your own behavior, judge yourself as teacher. Evaluate whether as a parent, an aunt, an uncle, a sibling, you are training the little people in your life to be like the troubled person you are looking at in the workplace–or at home. Or are you exerting the kind of influence and giving the type of example that will help the young people around you grow into the positive, shining adults they were meant to be–the kind of people you’d like to spend your workday with–the type of boss you wish you had–the kind of people you want in your household.

Not one of us can change the parents we had or the lessons they gave us. But we can learn from those parents and those lessons. We can’t change our past experiences and behavior, but we can certainly change our future behavior, and thus the experiences of the little people around us. Let’s consider this the next time we wonder just why people act as they do and what we can do about it….

Looking in the rearview mirror–Mildred

 

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